The Leader Of Iraq

(Original music & lyrics by Jeff Barry, Ellie Greenwich & George 'Shadow' Morton. New lyrics by The Judge © 2003)

(Spoken)
GIRL 1:	Is he really selling arms to him?
GIRL 2:	Well there he is, let's ask him.
GIRL 1:	Donald, is that Saddam's ring you're kissing?
RUMSFELD (muffled):	hmmmHMMM!
GIRL 1:	Gee, it must be great trading with him!
GIRL 2:	Is he picking you up at the U.N. tonight?
RUMSFELD (even more muffled):	HMMhmmm!
GIRL 1 & GIRL 2:	By the way, where'dya meet him?
RUMSFELD (sings):	I met him at the weapons fair. He turned around and smiled at me. You get the picture?
GIRL 1 & GIRL 2:	<retching>
RUMSFELD:	That's when I fell for The Leader Of Iraq.
	<FX: gunfire>
	The liberals were always putting him down. They said he'd gassed an entire town. They told me he was bad, But I just knew his moustache was sad. But still I fell for The Leader Of Iraq.
	<FX: machine-gun fire>
	One day, The Prez said "Find someone new". I had to tell my dictator, "We're through". He stood there and asked me why. I said, "'Cos they won't let you fly. They're coming to get you, O Leader Of Iraq".
	<FX: mortar fire>
(spoken)	He sort of smiled, and waved me goodbye, But the fears were beginning to show. As the bombs fell on that cold Spring night, I begged him to go; But whether we killed him, we may never know.
GIRL 1 & GIRL 2:	Look out! Look out! Look out! Incoming!
	<FX: bombers, one very loud explosion, followed by two seconds total silence. Then the obligatory "CLANG!!!" as something falls off what's left of a wall.>
RUMSFELD:	I felt so helpless, I felt so cold, Remembering all the arms he'd been sold. And all the WMDs he had, Did he sneak them 'cross the border to El-Assad? Will we ever get you, Ex-Leader Of Iraq?
	<FX: motorbike roars off into the distance.>
GIRL 1 & GIRL 2:	Leader Of Iraq, where have you gone?
	(repeat to fade, awaiting reprise...in Syria...Iran...North Korea...Canada....)