This Is Not A
BLOG!
Date: 04/05/05
The Politics Of Eeny-Meeny...
Well, tomorrow is the day. After a period of a few weeks which
might more appropriately be called a 'camp pain', where the
vows have been flowing more freely than at a Moonie wedding, on
Thursday we will elect those who will claim to speak for us for the
next four years or so.
I've found it far more difficult than usual to make my choice this
time around. Not that I intend telling you which way I've voted in the
past (although you might hazard an informed guess from reading this
site). Voting is a strictly private act: rather like masturbation,
except that you don't feel quite as dirty and let down as you do when
you've just voted.
(My mother was quite the incorrigible gamester when she felt that
someone was intruding into her business: once, she went to vote, only
to be met outside by a distant relative, a well-known Labour Party
member locally, who was counting them in to the polling station, then
counting them out again.
Said relative was easy meat for anyone with a mischievous turn of
mind. When my mother came out, the cousin said, "Which way did you
vote?"
My mother deeply resented the effrontery of the question and so,
wind-up mode set to 'maximum', she replied airily, "Oh, I couldn't
make up my mind, so I voted for all of them!"
Collapse of stout (Labour) Party).
Anyway, what do I have to choose from? Well, in the main, there's
globalised free-market capitalism, globalised free-market capitalism,
not-quite-so-globalised free-market capitalism, globalised free-market
capitalism with a smiley, and the sort of 'socialism' which tries to
make itself out as an alternative but actually just plays hopscotch
within the confines of...well, globalised free-market capitalism,
actually.
Let's take the contestants one at a time, shall we boys and girls?
(Not, I might add, that I've actually seen any of the
candidates walking down my street. In fact, this election has been
notable for the lack of cars with PA systems, or even posters in house
windows. It's almost as if everyone feels ashamed of having any party
tendency any more. Which, given the historical tendency of the
population hereabouts to vote for a geranium if it had a Labour
sticker on it, may be an optimistic sign).
- Labour: I think I voted Labour once. It was a
council election in the early 80s, and our winning Labour candidate
defected to the SDP not long afterwards.
It's not likely to happen again: I could not vote for a party led by a
man who should be in front of the International Criminal Court, and who
went on record as saying, "Look, you can't tax the rich: if you do,
they'll leave the country"; with a Chancellor who thinks that I and
over 100 000 of my under-rewarded colleagues are dispensable (we're
only 'back-room staff' who may safely be replaced with an ever-rotating
bunch of temps at five times the cost), and whose salary increases are
an annual excuse for him to appear tough; and with a candidate who
voted no fewer than three times for the ID Cards Bill which nearly got
on to the books recently, and which Labour has pledged to bring
straight back after the election. Our sitting member (if you'll pardon
the phrase) is a known eccentric, reputed still to keep a loaded gun in
his house in case of invasion by the Red Menace.
- Liberal Democrat: In the words of Dennis Potter, "That
perennial second prize for those who love to tickle, but are afraid to
wound". Having supposedly opposed the war, they are nonetheless in
favour of keeping troops in Iraq indefinitely; despite their attempts
to outflank Labour on the left (admittedly not difficult nowadays),
they are still in favour of the profitisation of our public services
and would like to curtail the power of workers to defend themselves
against idiot, thuggish employers still further; and they're led by a
man whose idea of connecting to the public is to appear on TV comedy
panel games.
- Conservative: Puh-lease! I have had many
strange notions in my life, but pure and applied masochism has never
appealed to me. I remember their viciousness and arrogance only too
well from the 80s.
(By the way, our Tory candidate in 1997 was the remarkable Boris
Johnson. He did actually pay our village a visit during that campaign.
Alas for him, he had the idea of going into the shop which stood across
the road from my house. This was run by a fierce Labour supporter in
any case but, to pile the Pelion of embarrassment upon the Ossa of his
misjudgement, his entry to the premises also coincided with my mother's
presence at the counter. I'm sure the experience he gained in the
subsequent few minutes has stood him in good stead ever since).
- Plaid Cymru: I'd feel a lot happier about them if
their candidate didn't look a bit like one of those unfortunate student
teachers we had to put up with in school in the early/mid-70s. You know
the sort: three parts enthusiasm to two parts corduroy to one part Clearasil.
Still, he's local, which might help him. Given his party's refusal to
support the ban on hunting, he might need all the help he can get.
- Forward Wales: It's quite fitting that we vote by
writing an 'X'. This party seems to comprise ex-Labourites, ex-Nationalists,
ex-Greens and exhales the bright, vibrant breath of the
1970s and the extinction of the post-war consensus. Exit
stage Left.
Well, that's all folks! So, what to do? Not voting is
simply not an option. Perhaps I'm deluded, but I still feel that
putting that cross on that ballot paper is the only exercise of power
most of us have, even if our loony electoral system renders about 75%
of votes cast purely academic. I, for example, have never voted
for a winning candidate in five parliamentary elections. I somehow
don't expect this to change.
So, although I still say A Plague
On All Their Houses, I
shall be at the polling station at about 7:15 tomorrow morning to use
what little right I have to influence events before setting off for
another day of being shafted by little tin gods of management at work.
I hope all those of you who have that right, wherever you are, exercise
it when you get the chance - while you still have the chance.
