Picture of a judge's wigThis Is Not A BLOG!Picture of a judge's wig



Date: 04/05/05

The Politics Of Eeny-Meeny...

Well, tomorrow is the day. After a period of a few weeks which might more appropriately be called a 'camp pain', where the vows have been flowing more freely than at a Moonie wedding, on Thursday we will elect those who will claim to speak for us for the next four years or so.

I've found it far more difficult than usual to make my choice this time around. Not that I intend telling you which way I've voted in the past (although you might hazard an informed guess from reading this site). Voting is a strictly private act: rather like masturbation, except that you don't feel quite as dirty and let down as you do when you've just voted.

(My mother was quite the incorrigible gamester when she felt that someone was intruding into her business: once, she went to vote, only to be met outside by a distant relative, a well-known Labour Party member locally, who was counting them in to the polling station, then counting them out again.

Said relative was easy meat for anyone with a mischievous turn of mind. When my mother came out, the cousin said, "Which way did you vote?"

My mother deeply resented the effrontery of the question and so, wind-up mode set to 'maximum', she replied airily, "Oh, I couldn't make up my mind, so I voted for all of them!"

Collapse of stout (Labour) Party).

Anyway, what do I have to choose from? Well, in the main, there's globalised free-market capitalism, globalised free-market capitalism, not-quite-so-globalised free-market capitalism, globalised free-market capitalism with a smiley, and the sort of 'socialism' which tries to make itself out as an alternative but actually just plays hopscotch within the confines of...well, globalised free-market capitalism, actually.

Let's take the contestants one at a time, shall we boys and girls?

(Not, I might add, that I've actually seen any of the candidates walking down my street. In fact, this election has been notable for the lack of cars with PA systems, or even posters in house windows. It's almost as if everyone feels ashamed of having any party tendency any more. Which, given the historical tendency of the population hereabouts to vote for a geranium if it had a Labour sticker on it, may be an optimistic sign).

Well, that's all folks! So, what to do? Not voting is simply not an option. Perhaps I'm deluded, but I still feel that putting that cross on that ballot paper is the only exercise of power most of us have, even if our loony electoral system renders about 75% of votes cast purely academic. I, for example, have never voted for a winning candidate in five parliamentary elections. I somehow don't expect this to change.

So, although I still say A Plague On All Their Houses, I shall be at the polling station at about 7:15 tomorrow morning to use what little right I have to influence events before setting off for another day of being shafted by little tin gods of management at work. I hope all those of you who have that right, wherever you are, exercise it when you get the chance - while you still have the chance.