This Is Not A
BLOG!
Date: 14/07/07
Brief Lives Of The Spammers
(Well, one can but hope...)
Six months ago, my ISP cleverly managed to get its Webmail database
hacked. The result was that thousands of their subscribers got their
e-mail addresses handed over to spam merchants. In my own case, having
hardly seen any spam in any of my e-mail accounts for nearly four
years, I've now been swamped by the stuff.
One of the main problems with spam, of course, is that you can't
easily block it out by sender's name, because the bastards use some
sort of random generator process. I was looking through my spam
folder the other night, and started wondering about these names: could
some of them actually exist in what we laughingly call 'real life'? If
so, who are they, and what might they be doing?
I therefore present a short selection of biographies of some of the
characters who have been sending me invitations to expand my dimensions
in recent weeks, all culled from my forthcumm...sorry, forthcoming
three-volume International Dictionary Of Spurious Biography.
Corbett, Renee
One-half of the promising 1970s female comedy duo The
Two Renees, whose 1979 series for Border Television would have been
a huge success had the company not been off-air for its entire run due
to a make-up artists' strike. Later hostess on the Television
South-West quiz show That's My Gerbil.
(Not to be confused with the Indian cabaret act The
Two Ranees).
Herring, Blair
Famous Mormon fisherman. Claimed that his catch of a
freshwater salmon in the Great Salt Lake was a sign that the LDS'
dominion over Utah was divinely ordained. He was later found to have
bought the salmon from a local kosher deli. Three of his wives claim to
have no knowledge of his current whereabouts. The fourth wears a
mysterious smile.
Chase, Levi
Extremely unfunny Jewish comedian. Movies include Funny
Schmunny, Schtumm and Nothing But Tsuris.
Colvin, Eula
Microsoft corporate lawyer. Killed herself after
claiming that she wasn't being accepted.
Myers, Josh
Professional baseball player whose only Major League
appearance (for Pittsburgh at Philadelphia) was cut short when he had
an attack of hiccups on the mound. In his eighteen pitches, he walked
three batters, beaned the home-plate umpire, concussed the cotton-candy
salesman in the left-field bleachers and killed the home team's mascot
with a 95mph fast ball right down its trumpet. Now an analyst for Fox
Sports South.
Lanier, Hung
Star of Louisiana's short-lived porno industry. Movies
include You Can't Do That - That's My Sister!, I
Like My Baton Rouge and The Battle Of New Whore-leans.
Found Jesus in 1998, and married him in Massachusetts in 2006.
Maynard, Ginger
Actress, comedienne and dancer (real first name Edna)
plucked from a cotton mill in Oldham, Lancs. by J. Arthur Rank to be 'Britain's
Ginger Rogers'. Unfortunately, while filming her second feature Flying
Down To Rochdale, a mis-placed clog step broke the shin of her
co-star Sandy Powell and her contract was terminated. Her only
completed movie, Top Clog, is (for reasons lost in the mists of
history) ritually re-run on Slovakian television every Christmas Eve.
Fitch, Norbert
Cincinnati-born author and self-improvement guru. His
most famous work, How To Win Money And Influence People, has
been read by four US presidents, and has been read to at least
two more.
Madison, Irwin
Tenth vice-president of the United States. Holds the
record for the shortest span of time to hold the office (33 days),
dying of a cold caught from President William Harrison. A small bridge
across a creek in a remote part of Vermont is named in his honour.
Rudolph, Marylou
Country and western singer from Alabama, nicknamed 'The
Chocawhatchee Chickadee'. Married six times (four times to the same
violent alcoholic truck-driver) and mother of two sons (who, true to
the family tradition, went on to become violent alcoholic
truck-drivers). Stardom beckoned after she filled in at short notice on
The Grand Old Op'ry after the infamous Dolly Parton 'bicycle
pump' incident. Alas, it was not to be, as Marylou was killed a week
later when her husband's truck - in which she was a passenger - took a
direct hit from a plummeting Cessna light aircraft.
Harmon, Lillie
Silent-movie actress. Died in 1925 in a mysterious
trampolining accident also allegedly involving Roscoe Arbuckle and
Oliver Hardy. She was buried in her native Ohio and in neighbouring
Pennsylvania.
Moody, Chad
Portland, Or.,-born bass guitarist with the legendary
grunge band Facial Wound. Albums included You'll Be Sorry When I'm
Dead and In Up To The Knuckle. Died in bizarre
circumstances, having asked his wife of 45 days, Rona DePimp, to insert
a balloon up his rectum and inflate it with the air hose from the local
garage. His remains were scattered over his home state's Painted Hills.
Instantly.
Moses, Timmy
In 1972, the eyes of the world wept for the plight of
this cute, tousle-haired ten-year-old boy from Silverton, Colorado, who
fell 90ft down an old mine-shaft in his home town while trying to
rescue his pet dog Rambler. Rambler was rescued after two days of
intensive effort on the part of the local fire department. In the
joyous excitement which greeted this event, the firemen went off to
appear on coast-to-coast TV, and little Timmy was forgotten. It is said
that, if you walk past the old shaft late at night, you can still hear
a little boy's voice crying, "What about me, you bastards!?".
Keenan, Preston
Son of an English mother and an Irish father, Keenan
was unique in having changed sides no fewer than four times during the
Easter Rising in Dublin in 1916. He is also notable for being the only
man ever to have been shot by the IRA after being hanged by the
British. His grave is occasionally a shrine for the indecisive.
Neely, Herman
American naturalist and author, whose best-known work Dick
Moby tells the tale of its titular hero, an Idaho man obsessed with
catching a hump-backed whale. His efforts (doomed because the man never
left his home state, and had a phobia of pointed objects) are recounted
by the author with great sensitivity and mounting glee.
Manuel, Denny
The legendary 'near-miss' songwriter, whose best-known
works include I Left My Knee In San Francisco, Wonderful,
Wonderful Floyd, Missouri and Newark, So Good They Named It.
Cleveland, Austin
Not a person, but a car, the British Motor
Corporation's failed attempt to repeat the success of the Austin
Cambridge and Austin Westminster. Unfortunately, its poor build quality
and tendency to smell heavily of petrol meant that sales were poor, and
the last working model was seen being used as a taxi in East Berlin in
1987.
Rivers, Robbie
Mercurial centre-forward who enjoyed a brief
Premiership career with Manchester City in the early 1990s, having been
bought from non-league Congleton Town for a set of used shirts. His
time at Maine Road was not successful, making only 7 appearances in
three years (5 of them as a last-minute substitute). His only goal came
as a result of having the ball kicked against his head as he lay
unconscious after colliding with a goalpost. Last seen selling ice
cream in Macclesfield.
Chambers, DeWitt
A legal practice in Baltimore, Md., best known for its
pro bono work in getting Sacco and Vanzetti's appeal heard
before the Supreme Court in 1986.
Stapleton, Dusty
Nottinghamshire slow-left-arm bowler and occasional
batsman. His first-class career lasted just two years before he was
forced to retire due to losing his left foot in a freak bee-keeping
accident. Best bowling figures: 2-144 v. Oxford University in 1936.
First-class batting average: 3.86.
