This Is Not A
BLOG!
Date: 23/04/12
"Hum-hum-hum-HUUUUM, Hum-HUM-humhum-HUUUUUM..."
Over at Liberal
Conspiracy, where I am oft-times found commenting, they're having a
discussion sparked by a letter in the Sunday Telegraph calling
for an English national anthem.
Now, some national anthems are really quite good, musically: the Dutch
one seems to my ears to go into a weird time signature at one
point; the Hungarian
one has a very sweet beginning and end section; Italy's
is suitably outrageously grand opera; and the Mauritanian
one is the only one I've ever come across which actually sounds
like the anthem of an Arab country, rather than something which was
cobbled together at Sandhurst (although it also sounds unfortunately
like the incidental music from Carry On - Follow That Camel) (*)
We Welsh sorted this one
out some time ago, of course. Although ours has, in strict point of
fact, no legal force, it's what we've sung for over a hundred years and
that's all that matters (we may even have been the first country to
sing its national anthem before a sporting event).
But, of course, the English have always been slightly hamstrung (in
this as in other matters) by their perennial confusion as to whether
'English' and 'British' are the same thing, whether - if they are -
they should be, or - if they're not - then who the hell
are they?
Unsurprisingly, therefore, the English contributors to the debate
at LC have been getting themselves into a nice little tangle. The
consensus seems generally in favour of Jerusalem, which has
that superb and inspiring tune by Hubert Parry. But some contributors
have expressed concern with Blake's rather daffy words. I would have to
agree, in that - by even wondering whether Joseph of Arimathea
walked upon England's mountains green - old Billy Blake came close to
having his poetic licence withdrawn (although not as bad as Kipling,
who starts one famous verse by claiming that the English were on this
island before the Romans. As Billy Connolly would say, "Oh,
d'ye bludy think so?").
The feeling seems to be, though, that anything would be
better than the godawful dirge that is the 'British' anthem, which
sounds like a combination of funeral march and sullen accusation.
So, in the spirit of forward-looking, down-wid-da-yoof trendiness,
I suggested the following:
"I've an idea!
"Why is it taken as read that a national anthem
has to have words?
"So you could have Parry's wonderful tune, but
shorn of Blake's mystical bollix.
You could even have variations, depending on the
circumstances: you could have the Norman Cook Remix for sporting
events; you could have The Orb Ambient Trance Mix for more laid-back
occasions (Buck House garden parties, for example; I'm sure Willy and
his changeling half-brother would go for that); you could have Penguin
Café arranging a version featuring two kotos, a harmonium and a
mobile phone for those arty-farty YBA occasions; and a ten-second
version by Napalm Death, for when people just want to get the tedious
ceremonials over with and get on with what they've come for.
"Can I have my Lottery grant now, please?"
*: In 2017, it was decided to replace the anthem which had been used since independence with one which sounds as if it was the produce of a national-anthem factory somewhere in Moldova
