The Judge
RAVES!
Date: 22/05/11
Unraptured
The funniest take on that whole business about the world ending yesterday came from the estimable Justin McKeating of Chicken Yoghurt, who told the tale as a series of tweets from a setting which would be familiar to anyone who has ever attended one of those strange events known as 'A Festival'.
With Justin's kind permission (ta!), I reproduce his Twitter thread:
Hello, I'm in Heaven. It's unbelievably over-rated. And a little tacky to be honest. Plus Alan Carr got raptured as well. Send help.
I've had a wander about. It's really over priced as well. Six quid for a bacon sarnie and they've run out of bacon. The only beer is Carling
In plastic glasses.
The music is the hits of Coldplay played on a recorder. This bean burger isn't cooked properly.
Chuggers?!
No sign of the Big Man himself yet. Photography strictly prohibited as well.
Starting to think this is some kind of trap.
I don't want to alarm anybody but Richard Dawkins is here.
He seems to be really enjoying himself.
Just seen Tony Blair arguing with an official. He's demanding an upgrade.
Wouldn't you bloody know it. There's a VIP enclosure.
Opening speeches starting. 'We'd also like to thank Gillian McKeith for the catering'. WTF?
Artistic direction for today's event is by George Lucas apparently.
In his welcoming remarks the Archangel Gabriel compared Lucifer to Eddie the Eagle.
No popes so far. Weird.
The queue for the toilets is taking an eternity.
The handdryer's broken and there's no paper towels. The toilets haven't been checked by staff since Tuesday according the chart on the wall
Now they're playing Sit Down by James over the sound system. People are actually sitting down.
Ha! Melanie Philips blushing and looking coquettish as she's goosed in the hog roast queue by Anjem Choudary!
They're going to show Ed Miliband's speech on a giant video screen. It's right by the face-painting tent.
Whoever's doing the face-painting is awesome. Vladimir Putin's had himself done as Darth Maul. Brrrrr!
Juggling workshop oversubscribed.
Wow. The Holy Spirit's come out to meet the crowds. Very tanned.
It's certainly very ecumenical today. The DJ's now playing this
Kate Thornton has just introduced Kasabian onto the stage to lukewarm applause.
You'll be no doubt unsurprised to hear that people don't pick up their dog's mess in Heaven either. No fun in bare feet I can tell you.
Tannoy announcement. Lost child. Can the parents of Paul Dacre please come to the organiser's tent.
Nick Clegg's here. He's crying because they put onions on his hot dog.
It's all rather secular so far.
Ian Paisley in a passionate clinch with a beautiful young man. I knew it.
Dismal. Muammar Gadaffi's trying to start a conga. Only Dermot O'Leary has joined in.
Excellent merchandise. 'You don't have to be mad to get raptured but it helps' t-shirts. Arf.
Drizzling.
A minute's silence for The Saturdays. Turned out they didn't have souls.
Michael Macintyre's 'man drawer' routine now entering its fourth hour on the comedy stage. Might have to have a doze somewhere.
St Michael speaking now. 'We'd very much like to thank BAE Systems for their generous sponsorship of today's event'.
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has just come on stage with an enormous cardboard cheque.
This doesn't look good. Over by the donut stall the Holy Spirit is jabbing Blair in the chest with a finger. Blair's bodyguards moving in.
Blair screaming 'IT WASN'T ABOUT THE FUCKING OIL!'. Nobody knows where to look.
Thank goodness saner heads have intervened. Good on you Russell Crowe. Blair's men holstering their guns. Definitely time for a snooze.
Kula Shaker are headlining apparently.
Seraphim with clipboards looking very harassed. Besieged by people who have found out about the 14 day cooling-off period.
People trying to climb the fence to get in. Security being pretty heavy handed if I'm honest.
I'm hearing the loo roll and antibacterial gel has run out.
'Please welcome to the stage the stars of Tittybangbang' says a visibly moved Gloria Estefan.
The rain's really coming down now.
Oh dear. A bouncer has got Nadine Dorries in a headlock. They're throwing her out. She's screaming 'socialist elite' at everyone.
Passionfruit mojito, £9.50?!?!?!
There's a rumour going around that after today eternity will be self-catering.
Tessa Jowell performing Radiohead's OK Computer in the folk tent at three. No thanks.
I knew in my heart I'd see my gerbils again one day. Hello guys!
Puppetry of the Penis with John Prescott and Clive James. There really is something for everybody here.
What do you mean 'no petting'?
Some bastard always brings a guitar don't they?
There's something really familiar about this place. I'm getting a real Basingstoke vibe.
There is no marriage in heaven said Jesus. [REDACTED] heard that and now he's like a dog with two dicks, the dirty little swine.
No surprise to hear that my O-level RE teacher wasn't invited.
A desperate looking Quentin Letts is pleading with the doormen to be let in. He has a flaming pitchfork sticking out of his bum.
Pope makes call to space station look who wasn't invited. They can't help. We're a bit higher up than that, loser.
Ricky Gervais is doing 'the dance'. Again. In the felafel queue.
He just won't piss off.
John the Baptist on stage talking about 'aspiration' and 'greater stakeholder choice'.
Liam Fox heckling that we shouldn't be sending aid to those left behind on Earth.
Baptist still talking. 'Regaining trust', 'renewed contract with the people' and 'no more broken promises'. Groans.
The last shall be first said the Lord. James Last, that is. He's on in a minute.
Baptist still not finished. Rapture comes with 'responsibilities as well as rights' apparently. Crap warm-up man.
Woken from a nap under a tree by the sound of Stephen Fry urinating against it loudly and farting. Baptist still speaking.
Converts are always the worst: Richard Dawkins denouncing anybody not joining in with Kumbayah.
Richard Littlejohn's giving a bible lesson. 'For in much wisdom is much grief, and increase of knowledge is increase of sorrow,' he says.
He goes on: 'Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.'
Still no sign of the Big Guy.
A lot of people saying how glad they are to be missing Doctor Who.
Ipad's about to go flat.
Hearing Jesus has had to pull out. Dodgy oysters at lunch with Piers Morgan.
13% charge left.
They might in Heaven but it doesn't stop bastards pushing in at the bar.
Cormac Murphy-O'Connor jogged my arm earlier and spilled a bit of my beer. Didn't even apologise. Just kept walking.
Is that Gerard Depardieu being sick in a bin?
You think the middle classes off the leash at festivals are bad? You should see them here. And the swearing. Oy.
The countdown has started! God on stage in ten minutes! Frankie Boyle warming up the crowd.
A very tipsy Stephen Hawking is leading a chorus of I'm The Leader Of The Gang (I Am). Two-faced sod isn't saying Heaven doesn't exist now.
Six minutes to go and 5% charge left. Should make it.
Here we go. The theme from Rocky playing over the sound system. I'm actually really excited.
And here is he, the Lord thy fucking God. The great big paedo!' Oh Frankie, you legend.
HERE GOES! HE'S HERE! IT'S GOD! Crowd chanting countdown. 5, 4, 3
